Monday, August 29, 2011

end aug

so it's end Aug now and it's hari raya first day.

I cleaned up the house yesterday and shifted the TV to another position, which i felt it's better now. But.... hubby just don't like the way it is because of his speaker position. :( He wanted to shift it back....haiz!!

I wanted to repaint the wall to a new color. To add some "feel" to the house. But he rejected the idea as well. :(

Sometimes, 2 persons live in 1 house, is a bit tough. U tend to need to compromise each other n end up, nothing is being done. Unless, you do it when the other person not around and persuaded him when he comes back. 先斩后奏。

My heart is constantly aching lately, which must be due to the passing away of my colleague. I still cried whenever i think of him. Our time together in Sri Lanka, in Penang, in KL, in Australia , countless emails, phone calls, conference calls. I asked for his advise last time before i shifted to this new group (well, i meant the group before i join the current project team.) He watched me grow up. He knew my plans. He said he will live passed 2012 but this is a promise he did not keep. :( I am not sure where is He now. I am not sure at the last moment has he accepted Christ. I am not sure the books we send to him and his wife bring some lights to their house. And talking about that........i hope the card which we are sending to his wife will breathe hope into her life. She must felt awfully painful in her heart. I only experienced once serious break up in my entire life and that's the first time i knew, heart can be broken and ache intensely. This pain of hers must be multiplied by millionssss compared to my pain.

I am also lately, very low motivation at work, in life, in everything i do. I don't see a reason. I don't see why. I feel that i am just dragging my time on earth, consuming what the mother earth provided, messing up the house and tidy up again, leaving carbon footprints .... I was told that i am created for a purpose. But well, i guess i am LOST. I am always lost, ain't i? I read from someone's FB message that, we need to constantly progress in order not to be stagnant. Well, i guess i am stagnant at this moment, and i do not know where to progress. Earn more $$??? Go that overseas trip??? Fight for some incentive? ................. Perhaps this happen when we focus TOO MUCH on ourselves. "WHAT CAN WE GET OUR OF LIFE?" ........... So, "WHAT CAN I GIVE OUT OF MY LIFE?".......... I am asking.............

What can i really give?
Whose life will i impact?
Who will need my cares and loves?
Who need me??

I saw an old aunty selling pen by the highway during raining hour, and i felt a compassion towards her. My heart is weak and vulnerable lately. I do not know why.

I wish to move forward with greater hope once again.
I wish to pursue dreams.
I wish to know that, i brightens up some lives.

Perhaps, i suddenly realized, i need to feel the "sense of significance".

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